"ALWAYS BY MY SIDE" Her husband has been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business fell, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side . . . . You know what?" "What dear?" She asks gently. "I think you bring me bad luck." _______________________________________________________________ >>A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He >>lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and >>the second half of his round trip ticket -- If he could just get to the >>airport he could get himself home. So he went out to the front of >>the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his >>situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from >>home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license >>number, his address, etc. but to no avail. The cabbie said (adopt >>appropriate dialect), "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the >>hell out of my cab!" So the businessman was forced to hitch-hike to the >>airport and was barely in time to catch his flight. >> >>One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to >>regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. >>Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the >>casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well who should he see >>out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who >>had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck. The >>businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay >>for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan. The businessman got >>in the first cab in the line, "How much for a ride to the airport," he >>asked? "Fifteen bucks," came the reply. "And how much for you to >>give me a blowjob on the way?" "What?! Get the hell out of my cab." The >>businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked >>the same questions, with the same result. When he got to his >>old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked "How much >>for a ride to the airport?" The cabbie replied "fifteen bucks." The >>businessman said "ok" and off they went. Then, as they drove slowly >>past the long line of cabs the businessman gave a big smile and >>thumbs up sign to each of the other drivers. _______________________________________________________________ A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for all the major status figures in Rome, Italy. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any snails for this dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket she was handing him to gather some snails. Very grudgingly he agreed. He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach. He kept thinking to himself "Wouldn't it be great if she would even just come down and talk to me." He went back to gathering the snails. All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right over him. They got to talking, and she invited him back to her place. They were at her apartment a ways down the beach, one thing led to another, and he ended up falling asleep there. At seven o'clock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed, "Oh no!!! My wife's dinner party!!!" He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door. He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment. He ran up the stairs of his apartment. He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails. There were snails all down the stairs. The door opened just then, with a very angry wife standing in the door way wondering where he's been all this time. He looked at the snails all down the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said: "Come on guys, we're almost there!" ______________________________ _________________________________ > A bus station is where a bus stops. > A train station is where a train stops. > Do you have workstation on your desk ?!!! ______________________________ _________________________________ The following item was printed in the July newsletter of the Oregon Region SCCA: From the Dumb and Dumber File You all know about the Darwin Awards -- It's an annual honor given to the person who did the gene pool the biggest service by killing themselves in the most extraordinarily stupid way. Last year's winner was the fellow who was killed by a Coke machine which toppled over on top of him while he was attempting to tip a free soda out of it. This year's nominee is: The Arizona Highway Patrol came upon a pile of smoldering metal embedded in the side of a cliff rising above the road at the apex of a curve. The wreckage resembled the site of an airplane crash, but it was a car. The type of car was unidentifiable at the scene. The lab finally figured out what it was and what happened. It seems that a guy had somehow gotten hold of a JATO unit (Jet Assisted Take Off -- actually a solid fuel rocket) that is used to give heavy military transport planes an extra "push" for taking off from short airfields. He had driven his Chevy Impala out into the desert and found a long, straight stretch of road. (Not long enough.) Then he attached the JATO unit to his car, jumped in, got up some speed and fired off the JATO ! The facts as best as could be determined are that the operator of the 1967 Impala hit JATO ignition at a distance of approximately 3.0 miles from the crash site. This was established by the prominent scorched and melted asphalt at that location. The JATO, if operating properly, would have reached maximum thrust within 5 seconds, causing the Chevy to reach a speed well in excess of 350 mph and continuing at full power for an additional 20-25 seconds. The driver, soon to be pilot, most likely would have experienced G-forces usually reserved for dog fighting F-14 jocks under full afterburners, basically causing him to become insignificant for the remainder of the event. However, the automobile remained on the straight highway for about 2.5 miles (15-20 seconds) before the driver applied and completely melted the brakes, blowing the tires and leaving thick rubber marks on the road surface. He, then, became airborne for an additional 1.4 miles and impacted the cliff face at a height of 125 feet leaving a blackened crater 3 feet deep in the rock. Most of the driver's remains were not recoverable; however, small fragments of bone, teeth and hair were extracted from the crater and fingernail and bone chards were removed from a piece of debris believed to be a portion of the steering wheel. NOTE: Solid-fuel rockets don't have an 'off'... once started, they burn at full thrust 'till the fuel is all gone. This year's runner-up: An insurance company asked for more information regarding a work-related accident claim. This was the response: "I put 'poor planning' as the cause of my accident. I am an amateur radio operator and was working on the top section of my new 80 foot tower. When I had completed my work, I discovered that I had, over the course of several trips up the tower, brought up about 300 pounds of tools and spare hardware. Rather than carry the materials down by hand, I decided to lower the items using a pulley. Securing the rope at ground level, I went to the top of the tower and loaded the tools into a small barrel. Then I went back to the ground and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the 300 pounds of tools. You will note in block number 11 of the accident report that I weigh 155 pounds. Due to my surprise of being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. I proceeded at a rather rapid rate of speed up the side of the tower. In the vicinity of the 40 foot level, I met the barrel coming down. This explains my fractured skull and broken collarbone. Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. I regained my presence of mind and was able to hold onto the rope in spite of my pain. At the same time, however, the barrel of tools hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Devoid of the weight of the tools, the barrel now weighed approximately 20 pounds. I refer you again to my weight in block number 11.. As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the tower. In the vicinity of the 40 foot level, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, and the lacerations of my legs and lower body. The encounter with the barrel slowed me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell onto the pile of tools so only three vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry to report, however, that as I lay on the tools, in pain, unable to stand and watching the empty barrel 80 feet above me, I again lost my presence of mind and let go of the rope..." ....and yet one more: Larry Walters is among the relatively few who have actually turned their dreams into reality. His story is true, though you may find it hard to believe. Larry was a truck driver, but his lifelong dream was to fly. When he graduated from high school, he joined the Air Force in hopes of becoming a pilot. Unfortunately, poor eyesight disqualified him. So when he finally left the service, he had to satisfy himself with watching others fly the fighter jets that crisscrossed the skies over his backyard. As he sat there in his lawn chair, he dreamed about the magic of flying. Then one day, Larry Walters got an idea. He went down to the local army-navy surplus store and bought a tank of helium and forty-five weather balloons. These were not your brightly colored party balloons, these were heave-duty spheres measuring more than four feet across when fully inflated. Back in his yard, Larry used straps to attach the balloons to his lawn chair, the kind you might have in your own back yard. He anchored the chair to the bumper of his jeep and inflated the balloons with helium. Then he packed some sandwiches and drinks and loaded a BB gun, figuring he could pop a few of those balloons when it was time to return to earth. His preparations complete, Larry Walters sat in his chair and cut the anchoring cord. His plan was to lazily float back down to terra firma. But things didn't quite work out that way. When Larry cut the cord, he didn't float lazily up; he shot up as if fired from a cannon! Nor did he go up a couple hundred feet. He climbed and climbed until he finally leveled off at eleven thousand feet! At that height, he could hardly risk deflating any of the balloons, lest he unbalance the load and really experience flying! So he stayed up there, sailing around for fourteen hours, totally at a loss as to how to get down. Eventually, Larry drifted into the approach corridor for Los Angeles International Airport. A Pan Am pilot radioed the tower about passing a guy in a lawn chair at eleven thousand feet with a gun in his lab. (Now there's a conversation I'd have given anything to have heard!) LAX is right on the ocean, and you may know that at nightfall, the winds on the coast begin to change. So, as dusk fell, Larry began drifting out to sea. At that point, the Navy dispatched a helicopter to rescue him. But the rescue team had a hard time getting to him, because the draft from their propeller kept pushing his home-made contraption farther and farther away. Eventually they were able to hover over him and drop a rescue line with which they gradually hauled him back to earth. As soon as Larry hit the ground, he was arrested. But as he was being led away in handcuffs, a television reported called out, "Mr. Walters, why'd you do it?" Larry stopped, eyed the man, then replied nonchalantly, "A man can't just sit around." ______________________________ _________________________________ There are 2 rules to success in life: 1. Don't tell people everything you know. _______________________________________________________________ The Smiths were shown into the dentist's office, where Mr. Smith made it clear he was in a big hurry. "No fancy stuff, Doctor," he ordered, "No gas or needles or any of that stuff. Just pull the tooth and get it over with." "I wish more of my patients were as stoic as you," said the dentist admiringly. "Now, which tooth is it?" Mr. Smith turned to his wife "Show him, honey." _______________________________________________________________ For many years molecular biologists have been mystified by the fact that very little of an organism's DNA seems to serve any useful function. The mystery has been solved! The reason why only 30% of human DNA performs any useful function is that the rest of it is comments. Once we decode a typical human genome, we see that the contents begin as follows: === /* HUMAN_DNA.H * * Human Genome * Version 2.1 * * (C) God */ /* Revision history: * * 0000-00-01 00:00 1.0 Adam. * 0000-00-02 10:00 1.1 Eve. * 0000-00-03 02:11 1.2 Added penis code to male version. A bit messy -- * will require a rewrite later on to make it neater. * 0017-03-12 03:14 1.3 Added extra sex drive to male.h; took code from * elephant-dna.c * 0145-10-03 16:33 1.4 Removed tail. * 1115-00-31 17:20 1.5 Shortened forearms, expanded brain case. * 2091-08-20 13:56 1.6 Opposable thumbs added to hand() routine. * 2501-04-09 14:04 1.7 Minor cosmetic improvements -- skin colour made * darker to match my own image. * 2909-07-12 02:21 1.8 Dentition inadequate; added extra 'wisdom' teeth. * Must remember to make mouth bigger to compensate. * 4501-12-31 14:18 1.9 Increase average height. * 5533-02-12 17:09 2.0 Added gay option, triggered by high population * density, to try and slow the overpopulation problem. * 6004-11-04 16:11 2.1 Made forefinger narrower to fit hole in centre of * CD. */ /* Standard definitions */ #define SEX male #define HEIGHT 1.84 #define MASS 68 #define RACE caucasian /* Include inherited traits from parent DNA files. * * Files must be pre-processed with MENDEL program to provide proper * inheritance features. */ #include "mother.h" #include "father.h" #infndef FATHER #warn("Father unknown -- guessing\n") #include "bastard.h" #endif /* Set up sex-specific functions and variables */ #include /* Kludged code -- I'll re-design this lot and re-write it as a proper * library sometime soon. */ struct genitals { #ifdef MALE Penis *jt; #endif /* G_spot *g; Removed for debugging purposes */ #ifdef FEMALE Vagina *p; #endif } /* Initialization bootstrap routine -- called before DNA duplication. * Allocates buffers and sets up protein file pointers */ DNA *zygote_initialize(Sperm *, Ovum *); /* MAIN INITIALIZATION CODE * * Returns structures containing pre-processed phenotypes for the organism * to display at birth. * * Will be improved later to make output less ugly. */ Characteristic *lookup_phenotype(Identifier *i); === ...and so on. [ Note that God uses three-space tabs ] _______________________________________________________________ Q: How do you save a drowning lawyer? A: Throw him a rock. _______________________________________________________________ The elevator always smells different for a midget. _______________________________________________________________ >Two whales, a male and female, are swimming off the coast of Japan when the >boy looks up and sees the whaling ship that killed his father five years >ago. > >Excited at the opportunity to avenge his father's death, the male whale says >to the female "Let's go underneath the ship and blow air through our blow >holes. That will knock their boat over, and make them think twice about >killing innocent whales." The female whale agrees, and the plan works >perfectly. > >Once the whaling ship has completely sunk, the male whale notices that most >of the sailors are making their way back to the shore by either swimming or >in lifeboats. Not willing to let them get away so easily, the male whale >yells "They're going to shore - Let's go gobble 'em up!" > >Just then, the female whale becomes less cooperative: "Sure", she says, "I >agreed to the blow job, but there is NO WAY I'm swallowing seamen!" _______________________________________________________________ AMERICAN SEX LAWS CURRENTLY ON THE BOOKS In the quiet town of Connorsville, Wisconsin, it's illegal for a man to shoot off a gun when his female partner has an orgasm. It's against the law in Willowdale, Oregon, for a husband to curse during sex. In Oblong, Illinois, it's punishable by law to make love while hunting or fishing on your wedding day. No man is allowed to make love to his wife with the smell of garlic, onions, or sardines on his breath in Alexandria, Minnesota. If his wife so requests, law mandates that he must brush his teeth. Warn your hubby that after lovemaking in Ames, Iowa, he isn't allowed to take more than three gulps of beer while lying in bed with you- or holding you in his arms. Bozeman, Montana, has a law that bans all sexual activity between members of the opposite sex in the front yard of a home after sundown- if they're nude. (Apparently, if you wear socks, you're safe from the law!) In hotels in Sioux Falls, South Dakota, every room is required to have twin beds. And the beds must always be a minimum of two feet apart when a couple rents a room for only one night. And it's illegal to make love on the floor between the beds! The owner of every hotel in Hastings, Nebraska, is required to provide each guest with a clean and pressed nightshirt. No couple, even if they are married, may sleep together in the nude. Nor may they have sex unless they are wearing one of these clean, white cotton nightshirts. An ordinance in Newcastle, Wyoming, specifically bans couples from having sex while standing inside a store's walk-in-meat freezer! A state law in Illinois mandates that all bachelors should be called master, not mister, when addressed by their female counterparts. In Norfolk, Virginia, a woman can't go out without wearing a corset. (There was a civil-service job- for men only- called a corset inspector.) However, in Merryville, Missouri, women are prohibited from wearing corsets because "the privilege of admiring the curvaceous, unencumbered body of a young woman should not be denied to the normal, red-blooded American male." It's safe to make love while parked in Coeur d'Alene, Idaho. Police officers aren't allowed to walk up and knock on the window. Any suspicious officer who thinks that sex is taking place must drive up from behind, honk his horn three times and wait approximately two minutes before getting out of his car to investigate. Another law in Helena, Montana, mandates that a woman can't dance on a table in a saloon or bar unless she has on at least three pounds, two ounces of clothing. Lovers in Liberty Corner, New Jersey, should avoid satisfying their lustful urges in a parked car. If the horn accidentally sounds while they are frolicking behind the wheel, the couple can face a jail term. In Carlsbad, New Mexico, it's legal for couples to have sex in a parked vehicle during their lunch break from work, as long as the car or van has drawn curtains to stop strangers from peeking in. A Florida sex law: If you're a single, divorced, or widowed woman, you can't parachute on Sunday afternoons. Women aren't allowed to wear patent-leather shoes in Cleveland, Ohio- a man might see the reflection of something "he oughtn't!" No woman may have sex with a man while riding in an ambulance within the boundaries of Tremonton, Utah. If caught, the woman can be charged with a sexual misdemeanor and "her name is to be published in the local newspaper." The man isn't charged nor is his name revealed. _______________________________________________________________ A programmer had been missing from work for over a week when finally someone noticed and called the cops. They went round to his flat and broke the door down. They found him dead in the still running shower with an empty bottle of shampoo next to his body. Apparently he'd been washing his hair. The instructions on the bottle said: >>>Wet hair >>>Apply shampoo >>>Wait 2 minutes >>>Rinse >>>Repeat _______________________________________________________________ A guy is at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted, while St. Pete is leafin' through this Big Book to see if the guy is worthy of entering. Saint Peter goes through the books several times, furrows his brow, and says to the guy, "You know, I can't see that you did anything really good in your life but, you never did anything bad either. Tell you what, if you can tell me of one REALLY good deed that you did in your life, you're in." The guy thinks for a moment and says, "Yeah, there was this one time when I was drivin' down the highway and I saw a giant group of KKK Biker Gang Rapists assaulting this poor girl. I slowed down my car to see what was going on, and sure enough, there they were, about 50 of 'em torturing this chick. Infuriated, I get out my car, grabbed a tire iron out of my trunk, and walked straight up to the leader of the gang, a huge guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ear. As I walked up to the leader, the KKK Biker Gang Rapists formed a circle around me. So, I rip the leader's chain off his face and smash him over the head with the tire iron. Then I turn around and yell to the rest of them, 'Leave this poor, innocent girl alone! You're all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I teach you all a lesson in pain!'" St. Peter, impressed, says "Really? When did this happen?" "Oh, about two minutes ago." _______________________________________________________________ There was this blonde who just got sick and tired of hearing "Dumb Blonde" jokes, so one evening she went home and memorized all the state capitals. Back in the office the next day, some guy starts telling a Dumb Blonde joke. She interrupts with the shrill announcement: "I've had it up to HERE with these dumb Blonde jokes. I want you to know that THIS blonde went home last night and did something probably none of you could do: I memorized all the state capitals !" So one of the guys says, "Oh yeah? What's the capital of Wyoming?" "W," she answers. _______________________________________________________________ Most language is spoken language, and most words, once they are uttered, vanish forever into the air. But such is not the case with language spoken during courtroom trials, for there exists an army of courtroom reporters whose job it is to take down and preserve every statement made during the proceedings. Mary Louise Gilman, the venerable editor of the National Shorthand Reporter has collected many of the more hilarious courtroom bloopers in two books - Humor in the Court (1977) and More Humor in the Court, published a few months ago. From Mrs. Gilman's two volumes, here are some transquips, all recorded by America's keepers of the word: ******************************* Q. What is your brother-in-law's name? A. Borofkin. Q. What's his first name? A. I can't remember. Q. He's been your brother-in-law for years, and you can't remember his first name? A. No. I tell you I'm too excited. (Rising from the witness chair and pointing to Mr. Borofkin.) Nathan, for God's sake, tell them your first name! ******************************* Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York? A. I refuse to answer that question. Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago? A. I refuse to answer that question. Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami? A. No. ******************************* Q. Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated? A. By death. Q. And by whose death was it terminated? ******************************* Q. Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods? A. No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region. ******************************* Q. What is your name? A. Ernestine McDowell. Q. And what is your marital status? A. Fair. ******************************* Q. Are you married? A. No, I'm divorced. Q. And what did your husband do before you divorced him? A. A lot of things I didn't know about. ******************************* Q. And who is this person you are speaking of? A. My ex-widow said it. ******************************* Q. How did you happen to go to Dr. Cherney? A. Well, a gal down the road had had several of her children by Dr. Cherney, and said he was really good. ******************************* Q. Do you know how far pregnant you are right now? A. I will be three months November 8th. Q. Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th? A. Yes. Q. What were you and your husband doing at that time? ******************************* Q. Mrs. Smith, do you believe that you are emotionally unstable? A. I should be. Q. How many times have you comitted suicide? A. Four times. ******************************* Q. Doctor, how many autopsies have you peformed on dead people? A. All my autopsies have been performed on dead people. ******************************* Q. Were you aquainted with the deceased? A. Yes, sir. Q. Before or after he died? ******************************* Q. Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the influence? A. Because he was argumentary and he couldn't pronunciate his words. ******************************* Q. What happened then? A. He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me." Q. Did he kill you? A. No. ******************************* Q. Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? A. No. This is how I dress when I go to work. ******************************* THE COURT: Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present information and prejudice from your minds, if you have any. ******************************* Q. Did he pick the dog up by the ears? A. No. Q. What was he doing with the dog's ears? A. Picking them up in the air. Q. Where was the dog at this time? A. Attached to the ears. ******************************* Q. When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station? MR. BROOKS: Objection. That question should be taken out and shot. ******************************* Q. And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral. O.K.? What school do you go to? A. Oral. Q. How old are you? A. Oral. ******************************* Q: What is your relationship with the plaintiff? A: She is my daughter. Q: Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979? ******************************* Q: Now, you have investigated other murders, have you not, where there was a victim? ******************************* Q: ...and what did he do then? A: He came home, and next morning he was dead. Q: So when he woke up the next morning he was dead? ******************************* Q: Did you tell your lawyer that your husband had offered you indignities? A: He didn't offer me nothing; he just said I could have the furniture. ******************************* Q: So, after the anesthesia, when you came out of it, what did you observe with respect to your scalp? A: I didn't see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital. Q: It was covered? A: Yes, bandaged. Q: Then, later on.. what did you see? A: I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put on top of my head. ******************************* Q: Could you see him from where you were standing? A: I could see his head. Q: And where was his head? A: Just above his shoulders. ******************************* Q: What can you tell us about he truthfulness and veracity of this defendant? A: Oh, she will tell the truth. She said she'd kill that sonofabitch- and she did! ******************************* Q: Do you drink when you're on duty? A: I don't drink when I'm on duty, unless I come on duty drunk. ******************************* Q: ...any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial? A: The victim lived. ******************************* Q: Are you sexually active? A: No, I just lie there. ******************************* Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? A: Yes, I have been since early childhood. ******************************* Q: The truth of the matter is that you were not an unbiased, objective witness, isn't it. You too were shot in the fracas? A: No, sir. I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval. ******************************* Q: What is the meaning of sperm being present? A: It indicates intercourse. Q: Male sperm? A. That is the only kind I know. ******************************* Q: (Showing man picture.) That's you? A: Yes, sir. Q: And you were present when the picture was taken, right? ******************************* Q: Was that the same nose you broke as a child? A: I have only one, you know. _______________________________________________________________ A guy goes into confession and says to the priest, "Father, I'm 80 years old, married, have four kids and 11 grandchildren, and last night I had an affair and I made love to two 18-year-old girls. Both of them. Twice." "Well, my son," The priest said "when was the last time you were at confession?" "Never Father, I'm Jewish." "So then, why are you telling me?" "I'm tellin' everybody!" _______________________________________________________________ A man walked up to a farm and asked the farmer if he could sleep in his barn for the night. "Sure, if you don't mind the animals." said the farmer. The farmer came out at dawn to wake the man up and invite him in for breakfast. To his surprise the man was already awake. "Did you know you had a talking horse?" asked the man. "No" "Here, let me show you." He takes the farmer over to the horse and says, "Hello, Mr Horse, How does the farmer treat you?" "He treats me pretty well," said the horse to the farmers surprise, "he feeds me well and keeps my stable clean." The farmer couldn't believe it. "And, " said the man, "you have a talking cow." He approaches the cow, "How does the farmer treat you Ms. Cow?" "He treats me pretty good, he milks me every day and makes sure I have plenty of grass." The farmer is flabergasted. "And, " said the man, "you have a talking sheep..." The farmer interrupts, "The sheep LIES!!!!" _______________________________________________________________ After many years of collecting data, Cambridge sex researchers have determined that the human penis may be classified according to one of five basic size groups: small, medium, large, "Oh my God!" and "Does that come in white?" _______________________________________________________________ One day a priest walked into a barber shop and sat down to get his haircut. When the barber was done the priest asked to pay and the barber insisted that he doesn't charge priests. The following day the barber arrived to find 12 bottles of red wine at his store. Later that week, a Scottish monk came to get his hair cut, and when he tried paying, the barber explained that he doesn't charge men of the cloth. The next day, the barber arrived to find 12 bottles of Scotch delivered to his shop. A week later, a rabbi walks into the barber shop, sits down, and of course when the barber is done, and the rabbi tries to pay, the barber refuses his money. The next day the barber arrived in the morning to find 12 other rabbis at his shop! ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Yakov is on his death bed. He's dying. He won't last long. But suddenly, he lifts his head and sniffs. "What's that wonderful smell," he says in his accent. Sarah says: "It's coffee cake." Yakov says: "Let me have a piece." Sarah: "No." Yakov: "No? I'm dying here. Just a little piece." Sarah: "No. It's for the shiva." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ >> > Dear Ms. Ezell: >> > >> > Thank you for your letter of April 17. After careful consideration I >> > regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to >> > offer me employment with your firm. This year I have been >> > particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large number of >> > rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field of >> > candidates it is impossible for me to accept all refusals. >> > >> > Despite your company's outstanding qualifications and previous >> > experience in rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does >> > not meet with my needs at this time. Therefore, I will initiate >> > employment with your firm immediately following graduation. I look >> > forward to seeing you then. >> > >> > Best of luck in rejecting future candidates. >> > >> > Sincerely, >> > Matt Taylor > ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ WIFE: "There's trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor." HUSBAND: "Water in the carburetor? That's ridiculous." WIFE: "I tell you the car has water in the carburetor." HUSBAND: "You don't even know what a carburetor is. I'll check it out. Where's the car?" WIFE: "In the pool." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ couple is about to be married. The groom is walking down the aisle of the church to take his place by the altar, and the best man notices that the groom has the biggest, brightest smile on his face. The best man says "hey man, I know you are happy to be getting married, but what's up - you look so excited." The groom replies, "I just had the BEST BLOWJOB I have ever had in my entire life." Now the bride comes walking down the aisle and she, too, has the biggest, brightest smile on her face. The maid of honor notices this and says, "hey, girlfriend, I know you are happy to be getting married, but what's up - you look so excited." The bride replies, "I have just given the LAST BLOWJOB of my entire life!!!!" ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ > A Microsoft support man goes to a firing range. > He shoots 10 bullets at the target 50m away. > Then the supervisors check the target and see that > here's not even a singlehit, and they shout to him > that he missed completely. > So he tells them to recheck, and gets the same answer. > Then he put his finger at the top of the gun and shoots, blasting off > his > finger.When he saw it he shouted back "I don't know, > it's working perfectly here, the problem must be yours..." --- ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ As you may know, in a slalom race the skier must pass through about 20 "gates" in the fastest time...Well it happened that Israel had the fastest slalom skier in the world and had great expecxtations for an Olympic gold medal. Came the day of the final, the crowd waited in anticipation. The French champion sped down the course in 38 seconds. The Swiss in 38.7 seconds, the German in 37.8 seconds, the Italian in 38.1 seconds, and then came the turn of the Israeli...the crowd waited, and waited...SIX MINUTES!! "What happened to you?" screamed his trainer when the Israeli finally arrived. Screamed the exausted Israeli: "All right...who's the wise guy who put a mezuzah on every gate!?! A journalist had done a story on gender roles in Kuwait several years before the Gulf War, and she noted then that women customarily walked about 10 feet behind their husbands. She returned to Kuwait recently and observed that the men now walked several yards behind their wives. She approached one of the women for an explanation. "This is marvelous," said the journalist. "What enabled women here to achieve this reversal of roles?" One Kuwaiti woman replied, "Land mines" _______________________________________________________________ An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one inturn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender asks him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time." The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: He orders three pints and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss." The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no," he, says, "everyone's fine. I've just quit drinking." _______________________________________________________________ Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before. just bought a microwave fireplace... You can spend an evening in front of it in only eight minutes... I xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine. _______________________________________________________________ An elderly priest invited a young rabbi over for dinner. During the meal, the young rabbi couldn't help noticing how attractive and shapely the housekeeper was. Over the course of the evening he began to wonder if there might be more between the elderly priest and the housekeeper than met the eye. Reading the young rabbi's thoughts, the elderly priest volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you my relationship with my housekeeper is purely professional." About a week later the housekeeper came to the elderly priest and said, "Father, ever since your young rabbi friend came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful sterling silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose he took it do you?" The priest said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write him a letter just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Rabbi: I'm not saying that you DID take a sterling silver gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you DIDN"T take it. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here." Several days later, a letter came from the Rabbi. It read: "Dear Father: I'm not saying that you DO sleep with your housekeeper, and I'm not saying that you DON"T sleep with your housekeeper. But the fact remains that if you were sleeping in your own bed, you would have found the gravy ladle by now." _______________________________________________________________ Fellow 1 : "Now my grandfather, he knew the exact day of the year that he was going to die. It was the right year too. Not only that, but he knew what time he would die that day, and he was right about that too." Fellow 2 : "Wow, that's Incredible. How did he know all of that?" Fellow 1 : "A judge told him." _______________________________________________________________ One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God, "Lord, I have a problem!" "What's the problem, Eve?" "Lord, I know you've created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedy snake, but I'm just not happy." "Why is that Eve?" comes the reply from above. "Lord, I am lonely. And I'm sick to death of apples." Well, Eve, in that case I have a solution. I shall create a man for you." "What's a man, Lord?" "This man will be a flawed creature, with aggressive tendencies, an enormous ego and an inability to empathize or listen to you properly. All in all, he'll give you a hard time. But he'll be bigger and faster and more muscular than you, he'll be really good at fighting and kicking a ball about and hunting fleet-footed ruminants, and not altogether bad in the sack." "Sounds great," says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow. "But you can have him, only on one condition." "What's that, Lord?" "You'll have to let him believe that I created him first." _______________________________________________________________ What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers? Mechanical Engineers build weapons, Civil Engineers build targets. _______________________________________________________________ A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's wit these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!" The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him." "Hi George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The greenskeeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime." The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." The doctor said "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them," The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?" _______________________________________________________________ The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?" The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?" The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?" _______________________________________________________________ A policeman, patrolling near midnight at a local parking spot, saw a couple inside with the dome light on. There was a young man in the driver's seat reading a magazine and a young lady in the back seat knitting. Stopping to investigate, he walked up to the driver's window and knocked. The young man looked up, cranked the window down, and said, "Yes, Officer?" "What are you doing?" the policeman asked. "Well, sir, I'm reading, and my girlfriend is knitting a sweater." "How old are you, son?" the officer asked. "I'm twenty," the boy replied, looking at his watch. "And in about twelve minutes, she'll be eighteen." _______________________________________________________________ Only in America...can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance... Only in America...are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink... Only in America...do people order double cheese burgers, a large fry, and a diet coke... Only in America...do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters... Only in America...do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and leave useless things and junk in boxes in the garage... Only in America...do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place... Only in America...do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight... Only in America...do we use the word "politics" to describe the process so well: "Poli" in latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning "blood-sucking creatures"... _______________________________________________________________ Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company (responsible for the accident) to court. In court the trucking companies fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe. Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, "I'm fine," said the lawyer. Farmer Joe said, "Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road..." The lawyer interrupted and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client." I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question." By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule Bessie." Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, "Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. -how are you feeling?"