Paloma and Carlton strutted into the fancy-schmancy yuppie haven of Max's
Opera Cafe with a distinctly we're-here-to-make-fun-of-you air. They spat
out their presence to the hostess.
"Two, shaken not stirred," Paloma blurted out and the hostess gave a what-the-fuck-are-you-talking-about-you-freakshow look.
"You know, shaken like a pork chop getting a shake-n-bake," and she thought to herself, "not stirred like your boyfriend's lame handjob."
The hostess instinctively looked down at the reservation list not knowing what to expect and saw what was becoming an obvious sign of a psychopath.
8:30:
3 - Johnson
2 - VALOR "Shaken not stirred"
2 - Biff and Fluffy
4 - Yuppie guys with Harleys - Frank
"Oh, here you are," she said. Like Paloma and Bailey were interested in the mechanics of how a restaurant worked, how when people make reservations they write it down, and when people arrive they find them on the list and cross them off. Paloma and Carlton weren't interested in these details, they just wanted the restaurant to be a little black box where they could eat and make fun of people without being concerned about the semantics of how the food was brought to them and why so many easy targets clustered together in the same place.
"Right this way."
Paloma and Bailey opened a handbag, put away their strut, and proceeded to pull out one of the biggest stick-up-your-ass walks I've ever seen (and I'm omnipotent!). If this wasn't metaphorical they would have turned heads in the restaurant like there was no tomorrow. Who would have thought that such a huge walk could fit in such a tiny handbag! Oh! The miracle of modern technology. Oh! The humanity!
A waiter came to their table with a grin the size of Chernobyl (before the little "miscalculation"), "Hi."
"I'll have the usual."
"I'm sorry Miss, what would that be?"
"Well, what's the first thing you usually bring someone?"
"Ummmmm... I don't know, it depends on the person."
"Well, when I come here the waiter USUALLY brings me a fucking menu."
"Ok. 2 menus coming right up. Can I interest you in a drink?"
"We're not 'shaken not stirred' for nothing, Einstein," preached Bailey.
"Alrighty then," the waiter bit his tongue, faked a smile, turned and went to find the manager.
"Hey Valor. Did I ever tell you the story of Slick, Screamer, and Earthworm Jim?"
"Not since yesterday, but it's a great evening starter so splurt it away." Paloma then took a logn slip from her ice water as the tale of the three named penises and their world(naw!) nationally(naw!) state(naw!) county(naw!) town(naw!) block(naw!) apartment complex(naw!) room(naw!) closet(naw!) drawer(naw!) little drawer(naw!) little-tinsy-insy-bitsy-real-little drawer (ok!) famous party was about to be told.
- 11/2/95 -
rsg@uni.stanford.edu