It all started with a mass vasectomy down on University Ave.. A few
kids were playing bongos, long hairs with a peaceful attitude, when some
others, short hairs with hateful attitudes, came by. I know it's bad to talk
in such generalizations, but this time it was true. Words were exchanged,
hateful and silent, one things led to another, and the next thing you
know some of the kids were plucked from the reproductive tree.
That's when the truth came out about Jimmy, the turtle. The years of premonitious thought that blindly led him to the sperm bank, twice a month, had paid off. Some called it luck, some called it divine intervention, and others called it a way to keep up on the hardcore literature while getting paid. Wasting no time at all, a bouncing baby girl named Paloma was born out of the literal melting of Jimmy's icicle of love through Cadice's heat, love, and compassion, mostly heat. And so begins the story of Paloma Valor Concert the most famous lesbian lawyer, defender of the angry long-hairs, in the world. That's the ironic part.
Paloma sat behind her desk shuffling papers, there wasn't anything important
on the papers but it was her most important nervous habit, numero uno, the
one, that was it, better than sex! (Wups wrong habit, SSLLUUUURRRPPP!)
It was even written on her white board:
NERVOUS HABIT #1: SHUFFLING PAPERS
That's when the news broke (or was that wind?) and Herbie rushed in.
"Ms. Concert, Carlton Bailey is on the phone."
"Oh MY GOD! My baby was found!" she replied and slipped off her blaring head phones.
"No, Ms. Concert. Carlton Bailey is on the phone," Herbie coolly replied. He was used to that by now, she always misheard him with those damn headphones on, but he loved doing it because she always got worked up thinking he said something totally absurd and startling. "By the way, you don't have a kid."
"Oh yeah.. Thanks.."
Paloma swung around in her chair to get the phone. Wups again! It was already in front of her! She swung around again and grabbed the line with a passion only meant for her closest friends. Then she picked it up.
"Concert here. Whatda need Bailey."
"Paloma, we've found your kid!"
"I don't have a kid Bailey," she cooly replied. She was used to that by now, Herbie telling whoever was on the phone the totally absurd and startling exclamation she blurted when she was wearing her headphones and he told her something.
"Oh yeah.. Thanks... Do you want to go up to Haight tonight? I heard there's a really good band at the Nightbreak. We could swing up to Berkeley and get some Indian before the show."
"No thanks. It's Friday night and I was planning on spending the evening at that Yuppie Haven Max's Opera cafe working it with the geeks at the Stanford shopping center. My nightcap will be an slippery night in front of my computer with my new CD rom 'Fits of passion' - a misogynistic shoot'um up with a Catholic twist."
"Get off your fucking high horse Concert, Jesus."
"Geez, sorry, I was just kidding, you know what I mean. I'm not THAT PC." SSSLLLLUURRRRPPPPP! "Excuse me.. I just had a fit of passion..."
"Ok... Let's go to Max's, and maybe I can cop a feel off that cute {Censored for your own good}. Then we can swing by Antonio's and get so drunk we're happy to alive. OH YEAH! I just got a new gun, maybe we can load it with blanks, HEY NO JOKES!, and we can pretend we're having a serious domestic argument again just to scare the neighbors."
"Sounds great! I'll pick you up at 8.."
"Cool.. See you then superfly.. Don't forget the blanks, HEY I SAID NO JOKES! Bye.."
Little did Paloma know that this phone conversation would ultimately lead to the path that would lead to another road that would lead to another side street that would be a dead end so she would have to turn around to go down the wrong way of a one-way street that would lead to a river that she would have to brave in order to make it to the other side to get to the outhouse so that she could go to the bathroom because it was such a long journey so far and "nature called" and then she would continue her journey to the highway on which she would miss her exit so she would have to get off at the next exit and turn around and go back to the exit she missed and then arrive at her final destination the number one thing that she wondered about. In short, she would begin the journey that would tell her the the truth about her real father, Jimmy, the turtle.
Part II
- 7/17/95 -
rsg@uni.stanford.edu